Tale of Two Couches
by ShunKickShunKers
Summary: Oneshot. Jisbon from the couches point of view. And Cho's interruption. xD


**An attempt of humour**** due to a nagging thought…There are two couches in the SCU section. What do they think of our favourite couple? **

**Warning: swearing and couch jealousy (not because they can't talk that they think less xD)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mentalist, just my crazy mind. My English grammar isn't the best, hope you'll enjoy it anyway –won't blame you if you don't :D**

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**Tale**** of two couches**

**-Leather couch pov-**

Don't judge by appearances. I might be an inanimate object, but if I was ever granted the gift of speech, I shall be a great resource for blackmail material.

Since my creation, I've heard all kind of stories, seen all kind of things that can rival a veteran's experience. Hey, I mean, I was created in China –number 301- imported by boat with my hundred colleagues and sold in a fashionable furniture store in San Francisco (my greatest pride). How did I end set in the office of the SCU is still a mystery for my eyes. I suppose it was a day I was resting, or paying attention to my colleagues. I mean, how can you stay attentive every second of the day, when there are much more interesting things happening in front of your nose?

Take the seller; he was terrible with kids. I remember one day, a whole family came to buy a couch. It was hilarious to see him trying to calm down a bunch of five to twelve kids jumping on every piece of furniture around. Thankfully, they didn't tear _my_ cushions. I felt bad being the only one that didn't suffer from their small and destructive hands that day. My poor neighbour was sold to them…I really pity him, I bet he didn't last a month.

To be honest, I do know how I ended there. My turn came on a brilliant sunny day. I was busy ogling at a nice-looking woman and her husband trying mattress for their bed –I remember them clearly, because I had a doubt on their real relationship; they didn't look like a married to me, rather lovers…when a tall guy stood before me, asked to a vendor if he couldn't have a discount on me, and next thing I knew, I was hoisted in that horrible truck for a new destination; the CBI office in Sacramento. Later, I understood my buyer –Mr Germanotta- was at the head of the Serious Crime Unit and needed a place to think. The reason why he chose me?

Oh, if I could I'd blush.

I have enormous cushions. I am large and comfy, but just…big. Sometimes I envy humans. _They_ are able to go on a diet. Not me. Nope, Large Leather –my real name is Laura, but a jealous sofa nicknamed me this way- cannot loose a bit of some weight or walk around. I can't even dye my leather!

Ahem, back to my first thought.

Like I said, I would be a source of info and blackmail for the coming and going agents of the office. When I was first moved in Mr Germanotta's office, I could hear him talk to himself and mumble about murders and assassins and his annoying wife and colleagues…When he used me, he would always lean his head on my seatback, sigh and close his eyes to enjoy the warmth of my leather cushions. Very few people sat on me in fact; he _was_ my privileged user after all. Only friends and visitors who needed to wait for him. And his cute daughter, Stephani I think her name was. I wonder if she really became a singer. Truth be told, she was crazy (or gaga, like she loved to ramble) enough to try…

After Mr Germanotta's departure, I got another one –Brad Jones- who barely sat at all. I think he resented my presence, so he asked his boss –a new guy named Minelli- to move me out of his office under the pretence I would be more useful out there. Since that day, I was everyone's couch. At least, everyone from the SCU. I didn't complain. It was nice to hear the agents gossiping like junior high kids or jaded housewives. I was only bored at night, when the silent guards made their tour or the cleaner swept the floor. It was just silence, silence, and re-silence and so boring I couldn't wait for 6 am to listen to the news of the day…

Then, Brad Jones left and it was that woman's turn, Teresa Lisbon. Contrary to her predecessor, she felt the need of a couch in her office and requested one. Soon enough, a dark red velvet sofa -I think she introduced herself as "Maria"- was brought in. Did you know that red was the favourite colour of whores (along with black), and in painting, it symbolised passion and desire? Suited that stupid agent…

Don't take me wrong! I didn't dislike Agent Lisbon; it's just that…I don't know. I was hurt she didn't take _me_ in. Instead of getting my spot back and becoming the boss's couch, I remained everyone's couch. There were two agents to her team. My feelings were divided towards them. The Asian guy was ok, but I so resented the other one. I mean, that tall brown-haired guy, he was _always_ eating! When he spilled his drinks or food on my precious cushions, he just swept it with a tissue. A TISSUE! I am in leather! A tissue wasn't going to take off stains!

After half a year of grumbling on my outcome, _he_ arrived. And nowadays, I am quite satisfied with my fate; because I am the seat of the sexiest ass of the CBI office!

I guess I seduced Patrick Jane right from the beginning. As soon as he posed his eyes on me, I knew I got him. I had the advantage though. The sun was nicely warming my cushions, preparing the seat for whoever was supposed to sit next, when he suddenly appeared. I must say, it was love at first sight for both. The first time he lay down on me, I noticed he fitted perfectly and made sure my cushions didn't move too much under his weight.

Since that moment, I was tagged "propriety of Patrick Jane" and no-one else dared sit on me without his permission. I was the place where he rested, analysed the cases, created his crazy schemes. When he befriended Elvis, a stain on the ceiling, and started talking to him, I was always there to listen. Without him knowing, I became his confident.

My resentment against Agent Lisbon melted like snow in the sun, and soon enough I got a deep interest in her and her relation with my Janie. The two couldn't stop arguing with each other on everything and nothing, and it didn't take long for me to realise that despite my poor Janie's past and Lisbon's issues, they were a good match.

My priorities changed instantly.

From potential source of blackmail, I turned into a complete fan couch. In a previous life, I must have been a romance novel or sitcom show, because since their first bickering, I was all over the couple. They were both so lost in their arguments, always trying to get the upper hand on the other, so oblivious to anything else but them…If I could, I would have awwwwed more than once! My memory palace mostly concerned the two now. Since I was so obsessed I spied them more than a nosy housekeeper. I kept in mind every single hidden meaning, the precious moments they shared, noticed the small gestures between them…

Of course, there was that other not-so discreet couple, Van Pelt and Rigsby, but somehow, when they got together, I lost interest…I still found it amusing Lisbon was the only one oblivious to their dating, since their affair was so evident with each other. Of course, I knew about them before anyone else thanks to my dear Janie. In fact, I learnt quantity of things thanks to him. My notebook was already full, yet his mumblings completed it every day. But then, as interesting as the crush the mailman had on the secretary or sad Agent Jake was because of his wife's affair was, my focus always redirected on my favourite non-official couple.

They flirted a lot around me. And can you believe how proud and flattered I was to be the principal witness of their friendly-but-not-flirting-I-swear banter? Like the day they had that case, Jane had childishly pinched a widower's nose for his lack of compassion towards his deceased wife, and she came to try to force him to apologize…Of course, I earned an unjustified kick, but it was worth it! After her departure, my Janie didn't stop muttering about how infuriating she was…and admitted for the first time it suited her! If I could, I would have squeaked of excitement.

Time flew, cases went on, and my two oblivious lovebirds grew closer. I was hoping for a kiss or an "accident" that made them realise they were attracted by each other soon, but they were so oblivious and my Janie was still obsessed with the death of his family it was unnerving! Hey blame me I was growing impatient and ended up thinking they would never, _ever_ get together. That was such a depressing thought!

One day, Lisbon's former mentor –Sam Bosco I think he was named- reappeared. And there, hope came back. I think my Janie started to realise a few things. For once, he turned around Lisbon a bit more, paid more attention to her and even confronted the man into not hurting her. I swear, I saw everything! It was dark and off time, but Jane was clearly threatening Bosco not to involve Lisbon in an affair, because he knew he was in love with her and she wasn't indifferent and yadda yadda…In short, he was defending her honour! And I couldn't help bit think 'Take that! Lisbon is Jane's!'

I felt sad though, when the poor guy died. As much as I resented him for trying to keep Lisbon to himself, he was a good cop. That event had consequences on their relationship to extremes. I could see them part further apart or get closer than before. My Janie's gaze became more worried each time he felt his woman's mood darken and his extra actions were now centred on cheering her up. Like when he borrowed that car from the so-called Mashburn. I knew he planned on an Italian restaurant because I saw him glancing at its presentation card, on which the number was written. Reservation for two, and I couldn't help and think 'how romantic!'.

Then, something terrible happened. My cute Janie neglected me for the Scarlet Bitch in Lisbon's office!

**-Velvet couch's pov-**

Until I met Agent Lisbon and Consultant Jane, I had no interest in couples. In fact, I didn't have any special interest in anything. All my life, since my creation, I was brainwashed I needed to seduce the client and be sold. When I arrived in the hypermarket, I wasn't alone in the competition. My colleagues –or competitors- were more expensive than I was, so I guess that was the reason why I left the store so quick. I was bought on the account of Agent Lisbon who didn't necessarily felt the need for a couch, but took one anyway. I knew my only role was to give comfort to those who sat on me, but now that I was settled here for good, I didn't think much of who take place on my seat. Contrary to my colleague on the other side of the door, I wasn't interest in the local gossip, and content with the quiet life I led. That was until Jane joined the team and started challenging Lisbon.

Those two were so interesting to study it became my hobby. My attention was really caught first when Jane abandoned Large Leather (she nicknames me the Scarlet Bitch when my name is Maria so I have every right using her despised nickname...oh my, I can't bear that Gossip Couch!) to occupy me in the aim of keeping company to the woman. They started conversing and opening to each other in the discretion her office offered.

I knew Large Leather didn't like it, and soon it became an untold competition between her and me. By all means, Lisbon and Jane would _do_ something in the office, and we were in a war of patience to see who was going to have the privilege of witnessing their first kiss, or bearing their first lovemaking. It was a perverse rivalry, but this was the only thing worth following around. Police affairs and gory cases weren't the slightest attractive to me. I don't know what I have been in my previous life, but it was certainly nothing related to gossip. Perhaps a vacuum cleaner or science magazines; since I consider having more brain than that idiot leather couch. Her only advantage was her comfy cushions.

Today was rather calm. No-one was in the office –apart from Van Pelt, the eternal rookie- because of a recent case. Earlier I heard Jane mentioning a lover or a mistress, and needing to check something. A few moments later, it was Lisbon's turn to leave the bullpen, certainly to run after the man before he unnerved someone.

The poor agent was on edge lately. A new boss, Madeline Hightower, had threatened to fire her if she didn't manage to keep Jane in line. Of course, even I knew it wasn't a smart move. The black woman had caught the sparkle between them for sure and tried to use it against Jane. The day I heard about it, I could help but think "clever Hightower, get rid of your best agent and hire a new toy for Jane". In some perspective, Lisbon was the only person he obeyed, and if she failed to realise it soon, Hightower was going to regret it dearly…

My attention was suddenly caught by Lisbon strolling in her office, an upset expression on her face. Jane came in soon after. Judging by his attitude, either he pulled a stunt serious enough to make her lose her job –again; either someone (or Jane) told her horrible things; either she saw something that made her want to puke; OR (my dearest hope) Jane FINALLY made a move…

"Lisbon, please calm down…"

She turned towards him and threw a nasty glare.

"How can I be calm! What were you thinking?"

"Are you so embarrassed?"

Okay, so no job loss. A stupid stunt including her unwilling participation perhaps? She paused to glare at him.

"You told everyone I was your lover." Bingo. I suddenly feel compassion for Lisbon; despite wanting them together, I know she isn't fan of publicity. "Then, you pushed a witness into slapping you in front of the suspect to befriend his cheating girlfriend? I mean, what's in your head sometimes?" That I agree with her. I never really understood the reasons behind the man's schemes, neither how he managed to find out who was the criminal with so little information and pure guesswork. Large Leather must give him great inspiration for pointlessness.

"Meh, there is an understanding between cheaters. Kayla will soon come over for a confession with me, I assure y…"

"Couldn't you find another way?" she growled "That's exactly the kind of lie that puts my job on the line! You know Hightower will fire me if she ever learns it! There are enough rumours around the bullpen!" Oh, were they? I suddenly regretted not being able to walk around and listen to gossipers around the kitchen place.

"I would never do anything that included you getting fired, you know that."

Lisbon snorted. She was disappointed and hurt by his behaviour. Even I can read her when she is so upset. Her eyes are a real open book.

"Yeah, sure…How am I supposed to believe you when you break every single promise you make?"

She shut up when he stepped closer and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to turn her attention to him.

"I would never do anything to hurt you if I can help it" he whispered, his face inches of hers. "I already told you I would always be there to save you" Ah, you got my interest Jane. Can't you develop? "I care for you."

She looked away. Now she was embarrassed by their proximity, still angry but flattered even if she didn't want to believe him. Jane's hand cupped her cheek, and his thumb gently stroked the corner of her eyes. If Large Leather was here, I would bet my velvet cover she would squeak like a mouse in excitement. I was feeling stuck in front of my favourite romance show, when the two protagonists were about to…

"You know I do, don't you?"

For the first time in my life, I was the one to squeak. There was my victory!

Jane's lips brushed Lisbon's in a tender, soft kiss. After a short hesitation, she closed her eyes and kissed back. Her arms slowly circled his neck and brought him closer to her. It gained in passion and intensity, and soon the man lifted her on the desk and started devouring her neck, and she was moaning softly and unbuttoning his shirt, and I could hear his panting, and they were so lost in their thing they didn't realise their making out was turning into something more intense and if no-one stopped them I was going to be christened soon enough, which I confess would be quite embarrassing (hey, blame me! It's not like I had the occasion of seeing human display of affection or, to put it straight, giving in to their desires on _my_ seat). I knew they were attracted to each other, but until I saw Jane tease the bottom of her shirt, I didn't realise how sexually repressed they really were.

Someone knocked and they brutally parted. Lisbon got down of the desk and arranged her shirt while Jane turned his back to button his own clothes. My saviour, Cho, pushed the door open and announced:

"Katie Ryan is here. She wants to speak with Jane…I am not interrupting, am I?"

If I could, I would have smirk. Lisbon's face turned crimson and Jane didn't turn back right away. Cho stood deadpan in the entrance, waiting for an answer, knowing perfectly the discomfort he was causing. And the glint in his eyes proved he was very amused and happy. I suppose he just won a great amount of money from Rigsby again.

"Jane is coming" the petite Agent managed to reply. I praised her; it's not easy to utter something understandable in such an awkward moment. Had I been a human, I would have died of embarrassment "I still need a word with him."

The Asian nodded and closed the door behind. I never paid great attention to him, mostly because he didn't come in the office often, bit after the little intruding, I guess I will keep an eye on him. He seems an interesting character to study too. The two remained quiet for sometime before the blond man eventually spoke:

"I make good spaghettis, if you ever crave noodles tonight" Jane offered almost shyly.

I sighed and relaxed when Lisbon's cheeks redden slightly and nodded. They were eventually going to see each other outside the office…and their relation was going to deepen, no doubt about it. I remember her looking through the regulations to see if romance was allowed between consultant and agent. It was about time.

I couldn't help but wonder on which couch they were going make out first. The Large Leather over there or me? Sure she was Jane's favourite and her cushions _seemed_ comfy (and I reluctantly admit that they certainly are more than me), but Lisbon would rather stay in the safety of her office…Now I am disappointed Cho entered the room. It would have been a total victory over that big fat sofa in the other room.

The thought make me froze. Oh my, speculations are turning me into Large Leather 2.

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**I feel like hiding under my own couch right now. ****It was not really what I imagined it to be…uu"**

**A bit off subject, if you want a good laugh on the Mentalist show in general, goon "Tv Tropes" and type in the search bar The Mentalist. It's the first link of the list. In short, the site characterise the show with key words and gives examples according to the 'definition'.Totally worth the shot. 8D**

**Hum anyway, thanks for reading! (I'll try to update my other stuff soon *pinkie swear*)**


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